Tuesday, March 3, 2009

We can Save Porto Velho!

There is a small town in Brazil named Porto Velho. Its rainforest is nearly depleted. The trees all but gone. Young Munduruku Indian couples have nowhere left to carve their initials. Dogs have limited places to pee. Little leaguers' hands constantly sting because they are relegated to using aluminum baseball bats.

But we can save it. We, the civil litigators of New York, can save Porto Velho!

"How?" you ask quizzically.


We eliminate the Verified Bill of Particulars.

(Dramatic pause)

We pull a gun on 3041. We deep-six questions one through 26 (or whatever random number of questions a given firm asks). We will call our operation, Operation "Kill Bill."

So as not to cause rioting and chaos, we will implement in stages.

Stage one: No more verification. Has any judge ever truly tossed a case for a BP with no verification? Okay, okay, don't Westlaw me on that. I'm just saying.

Oh glory! I can see the first bud of a Bertholletia Excelsa bursting through the soil already!

Stage two: We start using interrogatories...instead. And they'll be green interrogatories! There will be no definition or instruction manual. We will take the great leap of faith and assume that attorneys understand that the word "person" also means "individual", "business entity", "man", "woman", or "sapient extraterrestrial".

Stage three: We steal a page from New Jersey's rules. We create a CPLR section which sets forth 25 mandatory and standard interrogatories for personal injury cases. As compensation for the aforementioned copyright infringement, we give Staten Island to New Jersey plus a player to be named later.

In only a few years, Porto Velho will be returned to its original state of flora and General Motors will be saved because there won't be anymore guilt associated with owning a big old Cadillac.


Daniel said...

First: I am at Porto Velho now and this is not a small town. With 400.000 people living here this can't be small.

Second: We don't play baseball here. The closer we get on baseball it's a game that we call "bets", wich is a brazillian adaptation of the british cricket.

Third: Sorry about my poor english. There's some time I don't practice it.

Marshall R. Isaacs said...

Does anyone know how to say "satire" in Portuguese?